Have to start somewhere...

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

So why not here? This is to be a blog and thought-space for my myriad meanderings around the subject of Spirituality. Seems like a good idea, I have a lot of thoughts. Of course, they don't always fit together in ways I can articulate, or ways that fit within the confines of Religion 101, but I always think that makes things more interesting. My goal here is to get what I am learning and thinking and discovering down on paper/screen, and see if that helps clarify. Of course, dialogue is definitely welcome, and I love discussion, especially when it comes from different viewpoints.

Enough preamble. Without any more ado, welcome to "She Lights Candles."

Start with titles. I've styled myself as Pagan for 10 years, and Jewish for 22 (approaching 23), 'witch' for 5, kitchen witch for 3, 'Jew-ish' for 7ish, 'Jewitch' for 2, and all of these conversely or consecutively for various times in between. What comes home to me is that, while I shuffle through 'em like masks depending on the company in which I introduce myself, I never feel comfortable with any of them. (Except kitchen witch. That one I'm pretty darn comfy with.) Everything feels like it needs explanation. Because I was raised with a strong Conservative Jewish upbringing, I feel like I need to say I'm Jewish, because that's my background, the roots of things, my family. But then I feel like I can't say I'm Jewish, because I read Tarot, and believe in the duality of Deity, and stir spells with my soup. So then I'm Pagan.

But then...

'Nyeeeh, I'm a bad Pagan, I don't do rituals enough, I don't update my altar, I meditate once in a blue moon, I keep forgetting about the Sabbats, I never feel like I know enough, I'm not sure whether I believe in everything or nothing or whether just beileving in most things is allowed..."

"But I'm not Jewish enough, I don't go to shul, I don't observe Shabbat, I have issues with Yom Kippur, of all things, I get antsy over the liturgy, I get uncomfortable around people more devout than me..."

And then...

"But I love rituals, and being in nature, and reading cards, and the focus of working joy and calm into a meal. I love energy work, and the way a full moon feels when you really notice it. The way a chant changes in a group working as the power builds. Feeling the Circle hold you in, the Quarters flare up around the compass points.

"I love Hannukkah with my family, singing "Maotzur/Rock of Ages" when none of us can reach the high notes, that one song my grandmother sings that I've never heard anywhere but our family. The order and rhythm of Seder, the wonderful ritual format of a meal, and a story. My mother and uncle racing 'Chad Gad Ya'.

"Chakra meditation, the notes of that one CD we used plucking my energy like strings, swirls of image and color, drifting in and out of awareness. Grounding, the strong green energy of Earth reaching through me to the Universe, the light of the Universe pouring down, until I vibrate, a conduit of energy and calm. Journeying--the unexpected exploration within and without at once. Messages given and received in meditation. A red leaf left at the edge of my subconscious at Mabon, retrieved the next year as a reminder that time passes.

"The utter rush of ruach/spirit/joy as the harmony of "Etz Chayyim Hi" reaches into my soul and lights it up, taking my breath away every time. The beauty of my friend's wedding, the seven blessings for their future. My mother's hand on my head when we'd remember Shabbat and light the candles--"Yivarechecha adonai v'yishmerecha..." Yahrtzeit for my father, said since I was small, the importance of the candle flickering all day in its glass holder.

"Remembering departed loved ones at Yizkor and Samhain. Rejoicing in the New Year at Rosh Hashana, at Mabon (Harvest is a time of reflection, after all. A chance to start again with the crops and year gathering in.) The reflection of the Great Rite in Havdallah, the egg on the Seder plate and the altar at Ostara. The importance of ritual, and food, and friends, and family, and friends-who-are-family.

The way things sometimes fit together so I don't have to label them. The reason I can't be happy as one thing, and not another. While I can't say I've reconciled my Jewish self with my witchy self, I know that both parts are valid, and necessary. Part of this blog is to try and bridge the gap.

But then again, I'm not happy unless I'm exploring new things, too. So this is also for that.

"She Lights Candles." Because common threads are important. And I always stare into the flames.

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Reading: I'm prone to reading a lot of things at once, so this will probably shift around and keep some things for a long time while I get distracted/go off on some tangent/read some sci-fi instead.
--Tarot Outside the Box, Valerie Sim
--Inventing Jewish Ritual Vanessa L. Ochs (Really excited about this one, just picked it up today.)
--The Magical Household Scott Cunningham
--The Chicken Qabala of Rabbi Lamed Ben Clifford Lon Duquette (I don't understand Kabbalah at all. This book is, so far, entertaining AND educational.)
--She Who Dwells Within Lynn Gottleib (Picked this up off the bookshelf of my uncle, who is a rabbi. Had to get my own copy when I left...)